I am really sick and tired of you young assholes on the internet who make fun of older people. Because I’m kinda cranked up about this, I decided to take you kids down a few pegs by explaining to you just how bad you suck in comparison to just about every other generation to come along. I was born in the 1930s, grew up in the 40’s and 50’s and became a man in the 1960’s. I suppose you can say that I am a member of what the snobs in the media call the “greatest generation” when they want to talk about us, but I secretly suspect that is just a veiled way of saying “old people who did everything for us, but now we wish they would go just away.”
So anyways, with that time frame in mind, I am going to break this all down categorically. I will take my generation’s icons and achievements and then pit them against the current generation’s crop of losers and use that to explain just why the current generation sucks and why they will never amount to anything other than spineless, spoiled brats.
Scientific Achievement
My generation discovered the cure for polio, invented atomic power, put a man in orbit then a man on the moon. Then we topped it all off by synthesizing and mass producing penicillin.Your generation grew an ear on the back of a mouse, cloned a sheep, perfected breast enhancement, and then invented texting. I would say that my generation wins here by a landslide, but that boob thing was kinda cool. Even still, advantage me.
Movies
Let’s see, we had Casablanca, Lawrence of Arabia, The Maltese Falcon, Gone with the Wind, and about ten really good Alfred Hitchcock movies that are better than anything that M. Night Shyamalan could possible dream of. Also, one of the greatest movies of your generation, Saving Private Ryan, is about how great my generation was, so it doesn’t really count.Meanwhile, besides Saving Private Ryan, you also had Anaconda, Battlefield Earth, and The Phantom Menace, thus nullifying your entire creative output as far as movies go. I am gonna have to say that I win this round.
Sports
In my day, sports were far different than now. The games were played pretty much the same way, but we looked on with interest in the competition and viewed our sports stars as heroes. Now-a-days, people get stabbed over what kind of football jacket they wear. Also, most people watch sports today because of some morbid curiosity over watching felons getting paid to play professional sports.My generation had Joe DiMaggio, Jackie Robinson, Ted Williams, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Johnny Unitas, Jim Brown, Vince Lombardi, Wilt Chamberlain,George Foreman, and Muhamad Ali. All of these guys defined the sport they participated in by breaking records, challenging society, and bettering their sport for everybody involved.
The current generation has Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Tiger Woods, John Daly, Ben Roethlisberger, Adam “Pac-Man” Jones, Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, Latrell Sprewell, Gilbert Arenas,Kobe Bryant, Mike Tyson, and Don King. These guys spent millions keeping themselves out of jail, lying to congress, or shooting themselves in the leg.
National Political Figures
We had Harry Truman. You had Bill Clinton followed by George Bush. I don’t think I need to elaborate any further, but for the brain dead out there, nothing better illustrates a total shift from guts and honor to shifty backroom politics and brainless tomfoolery better than the shift that happened in the years between Truman and Clinton. The guy had a plaque on his desk that said “The Buck Stops Here” and he meant it.
Criminals
Some might say that having better criminals in your generation is not a good thing, but I beg to differ because of the fact that most of the big name criminals from my era became legends. Guys like Al Capone, John Dillenger, Lucky Luciano, John Gotti, and Joey “Bananas” Bannano were indirectly responsible for some of the best movies ever made. I didn’t bother mentioning Lee Harvey Oswald who was probably the most famous criminals of all time. I left him off because he was a commie.
So far your generation has given us O.J. Simpson, who started off really well as far as legendary criminal status was concerned, but he then went downhill as fast as shit through a goose. He finally ended his criminal career by getting ratted out by his friends after he held up a guy who was holding on to his football memorabilia.
On a winning note, your generation does have Bernie Madoff, who bilked the unknowing public out of billions of dollars. Madoff, who was convicted of the world’s largest Ponzi scheme, proved that the old adage “the bigger the lie is, the more willing people are to accept it” is very, very true.
Television
Yes, the current generation has literally thousands of channels, DVRs, and internet sites like Hulu to watch television on while my generation had only three channels. I would counter this by saying that it is called an idiot box for a reason.
Music
We had Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Carl Perkins, Chuck Berry and Elvis. Do you really want to compare your generation to mine on this topic?
Sigh, okay.
You have Justin Bieber, Nickleback, Creed, Linkin Park, and also Britney Spears. Honorable mention goes to Michael Jackson, who technically was born during my time frame (1958), but did all that wacky shit during your time frame.
I would like to end this rant by telling you all a little something. See, there is this myth that states that old men go around angry all the time, telling kids to get off their lawn and to pipe down. Well, I am here to tell you that it isn’t a myth at all. We are pissed, and you would be pissed too, if you saw all your generation’s great achievements basically shit on by snobby, whining entitlement babies.
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Warren W. Brock worked as an over the road truck driver for 37 years prior to retiring in 1998. He now spends his time hollering at the kids who live in the apartment upstairs, clipping coupons, and writing a weekly column for Oh Internet, offering social criticism on a variety of topics. We use the term “social criticism” loosely as it is a nice way of saying he hates everything. If you have comments, don’t bother, he won’t read them, but if you have questions, please email them here. |